Why 50? Not 30?

You’d have thought at 30, I would have looked back at the ridiculous, lush college antics and the 20s learning-to-fly instability drinking, and said, “Okay Kristen, that was exciting. You actually walked the gauntlet and lived. You can stop now.”

But of course I didn’t stop. I just adapted - which is actually a very good trait when trying to survive. But I wasn’t surviving well, I was imbibing well. I made a career out of it, slipped easily into mommy wine culture, and in my 40’s just learned how to drink responsibly, ie. moderate often to “relieve” anxiety.

It just took me this long to see all that, and to shut off the addiction switch that got turned on by my bad habits and society propping me up, even celebrating me for being so good at it.

There is a really cheesy show I have watched a few times. It’s reality TV at its best, or worst, depending on your view of the topic. Married at First Sight. The premise is as stated, and although it sounds silly, it’s an interesting social experiment. History has always dictated some strange marriage rituals and I find this one no different, considering our current times. It follows five couples as they navigate the unorthodox situation.

Last night as I was vegging (yes, that’s my Saturday night some times) as one of the young brides was walking down the aisle to her carefully selected match. He was older, and I believe the physiologists /sociologists pairing the couples chose him as a father figure because her backstory was lacking a dad. She was visibly nervous and proceeded to drink a few glasses of champagne while getting ready. During the pictures, and at the reception, she continued to have a glass of wine in her hands at all times and the camera editing made sure to point this out. They would occasionally cut to the mother-in-law’s disapproving face.

Let the girl off the hook, right? It’s her wedding day. She’s being filmed and is extra nervous. She’s having fun. It’s her right to do as she pleases. Yeah. Okay. Bartenders and bridesmaids were close at hand, handing her drinks, and the show was clearly exploiting her love of the drink. Her maid-of-honor made a toast and pointed out that you don’t want to let Sarah in the backseat after she’s been drinking if you want to keep it clean, clearly a reference to her vomiting in their car. Her new husband, meanwhile, has started drinking water but is laughing and looking eager for the honeymoon suite. Okay, I am making this show sound pretty trashy.

My point is, I feel for this girl. I think she’s a little reflective of me. I would like to think I was handling it all a little more elegantly, but how would I know?! We have a bad tendency to compare ourselves with others and think, “at least I’m not that bad.” All I know, is that at some point in life Sarah is going to think to herself (if she hasn’t already gotten inklings of that voice) that her habits and behaviors aren’t serving her body and mind in a constructive way. It might take her twenty damn years.

Ah! But here is Kristen, all those years later, and even though she (am I talking about myself in third person now? Ugh!) I am remiss about not having gotten here sooner, I am also thrilled to be here now, and ready for the upcoming sober decades.

Why our culture props this shit up on a pedestal is crazy. Sorry. That’s harsh. Nobody down here wants me to be so bold and annoying. I’m not even sure I’m comfortable with my righteous attitude - it makes me feel like a bit of a leper, even a traitor, speaking this way. But the thing is, I’ve just been on the other side of the coin for so long. I’m trying out this side for once. I’m learning to look at alcohol in an entirely new light, and in the process I’ve kicked the addiction, given my skin a break, encouraged myself to do new things, improved many of my relationships, and quieted that degrading voice in my head. If this sounds like showing off to you, it is. But I also feel like it might be showing all of us that it can be done, despite our own shortcomings and the constant influx of messaging and societal pressure. For example the show I was watching both pointed out a woman's clear obsession with alcohol while simultaneously offering up a bottle of champagne for every occasion. How are we supposed to combat that dissonance in our own heads? At what age will Sarah get the message?