Should I stay or should I go now? My mind clashes over the decision. In two weeks the most popular website on the internet, Sobriety at 50, is up for renewal. My slightly narcissistic, mostly therapeutic and somewhat helpful blog has been a comforting place for me to visit over the last year and from feedback, also a place of connection for some fellow travelers. Nothing was done to advertise the site, save a couple of Facebook posts and a little word of mouth. To call it highly trafficked would be likening it to an old codger on his porch complaining about the busy dirt road that sees one farm truck a week. My dreams of commercial success are just that; true entrepreneurialism requires more focus and energy than this flighty mind can harness - at least at present.
As much as I have enjoyed my website, I can’t seem to get all that excited writing about alcohol anymore. When sobriety was new to me, there were all kinds of revelations I wanted to share, helpful tips on how to make it through the cravings, and fun NA recipes to replace the ritual and match the mood. All that information is still true and relevant to anyone just starting their journey, but at this point writing about it feels like regurgitation. Not to mention, being sober doesn’t resonate with me in the same way it did when I was actively quitting. Now, there is a shifting of mindset, a moving on to other things.
I have toyed with the idea of redirecting the theme away from sobriety and more generally toward Growth at 50. Looking back, I do believe the idea of sobriety presented as seeds, dropping into my subconscious throughout my 40s and finally sprouting roots this past year. My proverbial tree has sprung, and with it, a “what now?” beginning. It seems like a pretty natural transition for the website. However, I don’t really know what growth looks like - it has no real definitive, unlike quitting drinking. Quitting drinking was the clear laying down of something that didn’t work. The “what now?”, the growth, is the hope of finding things that do work.
And the truth is - I don’t know what works! There is no ToDo list for life, no one way to be. All I do know is that the goal is never perfection, and there is no finish line (except for death which could be argued is simply another new beginning). How do we grow into a life we cannot see? How do we know where to drive when we have no road map? I fear a website of my design regarding growth would have way more questions than answers. How frustrating for any reader!
So… for my throngs of fans out there, I regret to inform you that this will be my last post on Sobriety at 50. It’s been life changing for me and I do hope I have given voice to some shared concerns and struggles. If you have stopped drinking, which I know a few of you have, I am, to my core, proud of your accomplishment. To unravel and re-story the way you celebrate life, connect with others, and manage pain is nothing short of miraculous. For those of you desperately trying to get sober, keep searching for the right words that will alter your thinking. Maybe it’s “one day at a time” or “just do it,” or maybe you have’t found a mantra original enough to resonate. I implore you to keep reading and listening. You will hear it. Lastly, for those of you who are just curious, that might be enough. Honestly, the fact that this conversation is out in the open is all I wanted to do anyway. I don’t know who has a “problem” or not. What a problem looks like is totally up to each individual and their family to work out. I just love that we are having this discussion, with ourselves, with our lovers, with our children, and with our neighbors.
A toast in closing:
Here’s to honesty, hope and kindness. A trifecta that we welcome at the table even in our unsure state, even in our darkest hour. Here’s to change and growth and having more questions than answers. Here’s to our dizzy selves and our spinning planet and our feet somehow firmly on the ground. Cheers my dears!