Stringing Together the Now What?

The past year has been full of novelties. First sober concert, first sober beach trip, first sober Mardi Gras. It’s been surprisingly fun and exciting, bringing a fresh twist to familiar events. It was fun learning how to navigate these times and talking to my husband, who also stopped drinking: “How will we do this? How will this feel? Look, we’re doing it! Isn’t it great?”

As proud as I have felt for kicking this thirty year habit, I can only pat myself on the back for so long. One can only live in the trenches of hard change for the extent of the battle. It took about six months for me to stop hearing that persistent voice at 5 o’clock, and it was only a couple months ago I realized I wasn’t clamoring for some non alcoholic drink alternative at parties, fine with having plain old hands.

There is a gauntlet that has been crossed.

This is probably one reason I always had an aversion to AA. Something about labeling yourself with a lifelong affliction, where you were climbing the hill day by day sounded like just another way to be caught up in the revolving trauma.* For me, addiction was imbedded in culture, family history and personal buy in. It was a ball of yarn wound tightly - in the cases of champagne I sold at our wine shop, in the underage stocked bar in my dorm, in the many magazine articles I wrote about how to swirl and sip, in my parents carefree encouragement of a “live well lived,” and in every person applauding (at least to my face) my cool-factor over all of this.

The ball of yarn is not yet undone; I mean it is my life after all. But the tension, with which it was wound, has released, and with it, the habit of continuing to wind the string. I’m not moving in a circular motion anymore.

So now what?

There is an old Chinese proverb that says “An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place or circumstance.” I wonder if my string, all loose and free, is drawing me nearer to something or someone? A new purpose, a new career, a new friend? God perhaps? At 50 we often find ourselves on this flailing journey - the infamous “mid-life crisis.” The old trope of sports cars and young lovers might still apply, but it seems current culture trends towards running marathons and implanting hormone pellets in your butt cheeks.

I’m not sure what the goal of this search is either. Are we looking for happiness? And what does that mean? Is it finding your purpose through helping others, or is it living up to your creative potential? Is it making true connection with people, or is it serving our Earth and tapping into nature’s well?

Each of us will answer some of these questions along the way (all riddled with more questions mind you!), but the upshot of this life-puzzle is that there are no hangovers knotting up your string. If indeed you have shed the habit of needing and wanting alcohol in your life, and if you have joined me in looking at fun through a new lens, I encourage you to be brave as you and your string head out into the unknown. The alcohol battle has been won for now. Take heed in that, and find confidence in your victory. Clarity and health are your newfound superpowers as you go forth in your quest for meaning. Be a seeker of fresh novelties, and consider sobriety as the first step in a new life of possibility.

*I always feel the need for a disclaimer when I diss on AA. I have friends that have worked this program and love it. I am also keenly aware of the millions of lives it has saved over the years. Addiction is a personal battle, won when each individual finds the instruments of war that work for them.