Lists

I have a lot of lists. Can anyone relate? If a task doesn’t make the To-Do list, it probably gets overlooked. My To-Do lists include everything from clean the cat litter and put up the dishes, to run a 5k and write a novel. Funny how those lofty To-Dos often serve as a motivating factor for the mundane To-Dos. I never have written a novel but, man, does my cat litter smell fresh.

Lists are an important part of getting though the day. They serve as a concise way to organize, plan, or analyze life’s decisions. There have been a few times over the years where I have written down the pros and cons of a big choice. For example, when I was deciding on a new career path a couple years ago, I listed the pros in one column. The first three read, 1)Challenge self, 2)Expand your mind, 3)Help children. In the con column was, 1)Traffic, 2)Less free time, 3)Traffic. Although I was very worried about vehicle congestion, one column clearly identified a more worthy and meaningful growth experience. Sometimes it’s obvious with these kinds of lists. Other times, the list is long and both sides pull at your conscious. Either way it helps put the choice in perspective.

Throughout this entire sober journey, I have felt like switches have been turned off and on in my brain, major shifts in the way I have thought, to how I am thinking. As I travel on, and can look back a little, I see a pro/con list take shape, one that I never wrote down on paper, but instead pixilated in the ether of my intellect. It went something like this:

Pros of Drinking:

1. Maintain the status quo. (This is very comforting and safe)

2. Have fun (Subjective isn’t it?)

3. Fit in (Do we ever really?)

Cons of Drinking:

1. Continue to fuel daily anxiety caused by the continual fucking around with serotonin and neurotransmitters caused by alcohol intake. (Previously, I was conveniently coming up with my own science.)

2. Risk seven different types of cancer, including breast, throat and colon. (I imagine explaining to my grandkids that "Grannie K talks funny because she was in love with French widow named Veuve Cliquot.”)

3. Hear that stupid little voice in my head telling me to stop, and then chastising me for failing once again. (Really tired of that bitch.)

If the con list seems intense it is. It’s a serious list with serious consequences and it makes the pro list look like, as my dad would put it, “Ned in the First Reader.” My pro list is uninformed and short sided and at 50 years old I can afford the honestly of these lists. Maybe my status quo is changing, but is that not a welcome opportunity to try new things? And having fun? Well, time to get creative. And as far as fitting in? How about fitting out. Let’s go!

[As I’m writing this, I’m getting more impassioned because my husband just came in to update me on the latest news on about Madison Brooks, the college girl from LSU that was recently raped and then hit by a car. If we don't think alcohol is at the root of this terrible tragedy, and we are just waving our pro list around in the air like it’s a flag of pride, then our heads are in the sand. How can I not feel preachy when stories like this keep making headlines?]

I’m going to end on a positive note with an anti exercise in To-Do listing. Try making a To-Done list. At the end of your day, instead of the beginning, get out pen and paper. Write down your accomplishments, big or small, and watch them add up. Even if you just include something as small as “called my mom,” or “straitened the junk drawers," write it down. Maybe it’s something a little bigger like, “started a new job,” or even, “didn’t have a drink today.” I have a feeling that by the looks of your list, you will measure your day a success.